Everybody's got a bucket list, mine just keeps growing! X's mark the ones I've done!
Rent a house x
Have Faye and Maya Therapy Dog Certified
Join an Ocean Wildlife Conservation group
Learn to surf
Tend a mini greenhouse that I can give as gifts
Make more than 9.00/hr at my next job x
Grow a garden
Master Yoga
Travel to another country
Visit the West Coast
Make a dress
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Let It Ride
So I find myself sitting here in the dark, after yet another sleepless night, contemplating what one contemplates when the stillness brings on thoughts you have no time for during the day. There are these few precious moments people get in life when a light bulb goes on and that concept you've been desperately grasping for finally comes to you. Do you remember what it was like when all those squiggles on the page finally formed a word and you realized that you could see spot and spot was running? Those are the moments I'm talking about now. What does one do when they have nothing but pure selfish time to themselves? I reminisce. I think about all the people who have come and gone, all the adventures and experiences, heartbreaks and happinesses... You create your life as you collect these memories.
But one question has always kept me needing more. When? Everyone knows what weight that question can carry. For me, When is an utter plea to the universe. When will I get what I've been searching for? When will I find the right path, job, friends, mate?
For all of us, we each have one poker game where we've walked away empty handed. We all throw our chips on the table for some bet or another, praying that we have the upper hand... wondering if those we've felt comfortable enough to lay it all on the line with will get the best of us. I get that feeling all the time. In sheer anxiety I ask myself did I placed a good bet, do I have a good hand, and what's more... do I posses good enough judgment to read my opponents' tells?
I have given so many moments to sorrow, most that I bring on myself. I didn't have to bet so big, I didn't have to play another hand. I should have stopped while I was ahead. A gambling junkie KNOWS the next best thing is just around the corner, and he seeks it out all the way to the poor house. What's different in life? Some strike it so rich, you'd think they carry luck around in their pockets. Some never seem to catch a break.
Tonight, I realized it's not about the game you play. Its not about knowing people's tells or believing you have the best hand or hunting always hunting for the next big payoff. The secret is to work with what you've got, and be glad for it. To sit down to the poker table and see the faces of your friends, and not opponents. To know your own limits, and not spend hundreds of dollars... or years... or tears... in a game that you have no business sitting down to. Know your own tells. Know how much you've got in your bank... whether that be your head or your heart. Look down at your cards, and work with what you've been dealt. Fold when necessary, not every game must be played for keeps. And just so I can remember it myself... always remember that the faces that surround you as you play are not the faces of the enemy, but the ones who choose to sit down at that table with you.
I am convinced that I have ruined many precious moments too focused on what lie ahead, instead of reveling in the joy that I'm blessed to have been brought to me. As in the simplicity in finally learning how to read, precious moments are gifts. When a magical night changes your outlook on life, when a trip makes you see the world a little differently, when a kind word lets you know that you are not alone... to me, I've realized those things are my When. And if your game doesn't fall in to place, and you don't get dealt anything worth playing... look up from your unhappy circumstances, and remember there is a world far beyond that hand of poker. You may very well be the next person to win the jackpot, so what if you're not? Right now, you have an opportunity to have a night worth remembering, and one day that perfect hand will come if only you have the wherewithal to trust in yourself and let it ride.
I've decided to tell myself this every single day.
But one question has always kept me needing more. When? Everyone knows what weight that question can carry. For me, When is an utter plea to the universe. When will I get what I've been searching for? When will I find the right path, job, friends, mate?
For all of us, we each have one poker game where we've walked away empty handed. We all throw our chips on the table for some bet or another, praying that we have the upper hand... wondering if those we've felt comfortable enough to lay it all on the line with will get the best of us. I get that feeling all the time. In sheer anxiety I ask myself did I placed a good bet, do I have a good hand, and what's more... do I posses good enough judgment to read my opponents' tells?
I have given so many moments to sorrow, most that I bring on myself. I didn't have to bet so big, I didn't have to play another hand. I should have stopped while I was ahead. A gambling junkie KNOWS the next best thing is just around the corner, and he seeks it out all the way to the poor house. What's different in life? Some strike it so rich, you'd think they carry luck around in their pockets. Some never seem to catch a break.
Tonight, I realized it's not about the game you play. Its not about knowing people's tells or believing you have the best hand or hunting always hunting for the next big payoff. The secret is to work with what you've got, and be glad for it. To sit down to the poker table and see the faces of your friends, and not opponents. To know your own limits, and not spend hundreds of dollars... or years... or tears... in a game that you have no business sitting down to. Know your own tells. Know how much you've got in your bank... whether that be your head or your heart. Look down at your cards, and work with what you've been dealt. Fold when necessary, not every game must be played for keeps. And just so I can remember it myself... always remember that the faces that surround you as you play are not the faces of the enemy, but the ones who choose to sit down at that table with you.
I am convinced that I have ruined many precious moments too focused on what lie ahead, instead of reveling in the joy that I'm blessed to have been brought to me. As in the simplicity in finally learning how to read, precious moments are gifts. When a magical night changes your outlook on life, when a trip makes you see the world a little differently, when a kind word lets you know that you are not alone... to me, I've realized those things are my When. And if your game doesn't fall in to place, and you don't get dealt anything worth playing... look up from your unhappy circumstances, and remember there is a world far beyond that hand of poker. You may very well be the next person to win the jackpot, so what if you're not? Right now, you have an opportunity to have a night worth remembering, and one day that perfect hand will come if only you have the wherewithal to trust in yourself and let it ride.
I've decided to tell myself this every single day.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
The List
Kind of like a bucket lst, but better because they are things I can see myself doing in the near to not-so-distant future. I want to write them all down though because I am not always in this mood and often lose sight of my motivation and goals. So...
Rent a house
Have Faye and the pups I keep Therapy Dog Certified
Join an Ocean Wildlife Conservation group
Learn to surf
Tend a mini greenhouse that I can give as gifts
Make more than 9.00/hr at my next job
Grow a garden
Master Yoga
...
more to come
Rent a house
Have Faye and the pups I keep Therapy Dog Certified
Join an Ocean Wildlife Conservation group
Learn to surf
Tend a mini greenhouse that I can give as gifts
Make more than 9.00/hr at my next job
Grow a garden
Master Yoga
...
more to come
Monday, April 12, 2010
"Everything you do sparkles!" -Kami
I woke up today to 9 texts. Yes 9. That is a lot for me. Most were from Twitter, a few were from my two best friends. I got on Twitter to see some @MandiePants and got on facebook to see an event request from my old friend Tom! I am moving, I am getting myself to the life I want. Yet I have been telling myself I am leaving little behind. That is just not true. I feel so lonely and so on my own, yet I have a party to go to. Karaoke to sing. Coffee and concerts to attend. A hot tub to soak in. And puppies coming. Diana and I want to go deep sea fishing in the Carolinas this summer. Mom and I will hopefully take a week to Seattle. Kami and I have a girl's trip in Des Moines planned. I went to lunch with 5 WOMEN on saturday. I Saw my best friend from high school. I'm going to help her mom tend her garden. I exercise down by the river with mom. I will miss all of this. And the really big thing here people, is that i finally have it in to my little pea brain that I am not alone. I have friends, people to see, people who love me. I am fun, light, spontaneous, adventurous, goofy, sweet, and playful. I just have to remember that and that other people are the ones who see it. WHAT A WONDERFUL REALIZATION!
Lawrence K. Fish
You know those moments in your life where things jump right out at you? Literally or figuratively matters not, because there it is jumping out at you either way. Tonight is one of those nights for me. I am always searching for sings. Always looking for a clue to where my next move should be. Recently I have been overwhelmed with the idea that a change is coming, or at least, needs to. I have devoted 23 years to Iowa, grown here, discovered here, prospered, fallen, recharged, and forged ahead. Here. My time has come to see what next big adventure is out there. I have been thinking this way for some time. Truth be told, I am always thinking this way. But with 24 approaching and the sad reality that my life resembles nothing of what I had hoped it would, I must abandon the idea of signs and make something happen for myself. So imagine my delight when those old signs I always long for started popping up. That's how it works, you see. You only get guidance when you aren't looking for it. My brother and sister-in-law, who I never refer to as a sister-in-law at all, are moving to Washington. The bomb was dropped at lunch yesterday. When Mark gets back from his tour of duty in July, only precious few days will be spent in the midwest, and they will be relocated. I looked at mom and what came out of my mouth was more a shock to me than to her. "I'm moving," I said. And there it is. I began playing the equally painful and exhilarating game of make believe. I found a beautiful area of town, I found apartments, I found a school... UW school of nursing. In make believe land, everything fit perfectly. My BSN in 2 years, a hip apartment with my two dogs in a hip part of Seattle, half an hour away from Tacoma where my brother and sister and two nephews will live. Could it be any more perfect? Could it be any more of that adventure I've been desperately searching for? Leave the answer to Lawrence K. Fish. While playing with the idea of starting a new blog to catalog my growth and the process of rediscovery, I stumbled on a quote of his that spoke to the very fibers of my soul.
"find life experiences and swallow them whole. travel. meet many people. go down some dead ends and explore dark alleys. try everything. exhaust yourself in the glorious pursuit of life."
- lawrence k. fish
Lawrence, the very name I pray to give my first born son, screamed at me through the data waves. I knew it then, like you feel it when something is happening to you that will change your perception of life. Like you feel when you remember meeting your soulmate. It feels right, but so right that there's no way it can be true. I know this is where I am headed. I know it without fact, or reason, or logic. I know it like I knew my quiet lab partner would turn out to be the love of my life. To know without knowing, that is the only way to live. That is the only way I have ever found true joy. To look back down your path and say, I knew it all along, but didn't realize til now....
Seattle, here I come.
"find life experiences and swallow them whole. travel. meet many people. go down some dead ends and explore dark alleys. try everything. exhaust yourself in the glorious pursuit of life."
- lawrence k. fish
Lawrence, the very name I pray to give my first born son, screamed at me through the data waves. I knew it then, like you feel it when something is happening to you that will change your perception of life. Like you feel when you remember meeting your soulmate. It feels right, but so right that there's no way it can be true. I know this is where I am headed. I know it without fact, or reason, or logic. I know it like I knew my quiet lab partner would turn out to be the love of my life. To know without knowing, that is the only way to live. That is the only way I have ever found true joy. To look back down your path and say, I knew it all along, but didn't realize til now....
Seattle, here I come.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
